a year of stress and strain ....

A year of stress and strain is all i can say about this year.  At the beginning of the year I hit a slump, a slump with my mental health and then I had a bad case of vertigo.  Both of which hit me hard, then the coronovirus became a real thing for us and we went into lock down.  On one hand this was brilliant for me because it meant that I was able to have my own bubble in home.  The kids were at home and Dale had reduced hours so was home a lot more.  I loved him being around for that time, I know I frustrated the living daylights out of him because I refused to go to to the shops, I knew that you were advised to not go into the shops with kids if you could avoid it so I nominated Dale to do it all.  This was probably not a good thing to do for me.  I now find it incredibly hard to go to shops on my own.  If the kids are with me I don't like it, but I can do it.  I have only been in a shop a handful of times and each time it is a big deal.  I have been to get me nails done and my hair done.  Each time I have to psych myself up and make myself go, but these places are easier - there are hardly any people and the precautions that are taken in each place.  In most places it's just myself and one or two others.  It took me until November to be able to step back into church.  I will be honest, I don't think I heard a word. 

I don't know when it started but I have anxieties, I know that I need to know where D is, if i don't i start to worry a lot.  when I walk up the stairs I feel like im going to fall back down them or when im coming down I feel like I'm going to fall face first.  When I'm in the car I sometimes have daymares (did i just make that up?) where we've crashed and it's serious and I'm left on my own, or D is left with the kids or the kids are the only survivors.  When I'm out for walks I have them about being attacked.  At the minute I am freaked out by COVID.  I don't want to be going out, I don't want the kids at school or D at work.  I want to put a bubble around our house and keep us all locked in it.  I know that isn't feasible but I still want it.  

It doesn't even have to be big things - small things get me worked up too.  

I don't know about you but homeschooling was an awful time for us.  J wasn't motivated, I lost my marbles and it was a horrendous experience for us.  I really struggled with everything more at this point because J's behaviour was bad, his schoolwork was bad and he was struggling with not being able to do things like normal.  He missed his friends, his extended family and the routine that he had before.  

D and I went out christmas shopping at the end of November,  I really enjoyed myself ... until in a shop we got separated and I couldn't find him.  I started to panic, I couldn't see him - I just stood there, i could feel my chest tightening and the breathing quickening, I was trying not to panic and cry. It seemed like a long time but eventually he came out from behind a blinking pillar!!! it took me a while to calm down but it made me want to crawl back into my bubble.  

anxiety and stress are a daily thing for me now.  some days are better than others.  Each day has its difficulties, I have to remind myself to be like Habakkuk and take everything to God.  The God who cares for me in all circumstances.  I will continue to pray and ask God for his help, trusting in him throughout.